I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
