I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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