what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
