So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
