I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
pray to the hookup gods
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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