I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
