im six kinds of drunk right now
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
