I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Send help, water and tortillas.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
