ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
