If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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