When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
