i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
