Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
