It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
