Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
