I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
