I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
