I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Drake has all the answers
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
