So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
