Your face is a jimmy john
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I need to stop coming to work sober
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
