I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
