That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
