Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
