She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
