just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
