You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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