1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
