I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
im calling her cock vulture from now on
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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