I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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