YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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