it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
