you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He had one of those small greek statue penises
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
