remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
