Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
