i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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