I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
