I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
