I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
