After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
