Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
