mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
it hurts more in the daytime
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
