what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
