Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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