Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
