I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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