The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
