Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
