question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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