I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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