I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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