Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
